As Days Go By....

So I'm back to square one again, looking for a job.  No, I didn't pick up a job in this past year. Well. I did. But then I lost the car. So no car, no job.

I've also had a lot of sickness in my family; sickness that, with me, being one of the healthiest people we have left, had me running around left and right, trying to get folks to their appointments, picking up medicine, etc, etc. But either way, here I am, back to Job Free Theater.

I don't know what I'll watch next. I do know that I have to create a new rating system as two moves and a lot of time, not to mention a failed external drive caused it to vanish, but hey.. it'll still be that good ol ' food stamp rating system that we came to know and love.

So. I'll see you in a couple days when I watch my next movie. Or tomorrow. Hell, maybe tonight. Who knows.

The Vodka Journal...

Well, that's what it would be in my case. Either way, I turned on The Rum Diary, and fell asleep a quarter of a way into it. I might have been more tired than I thought. I'll try again tonight, after I search for my food stamps rating system. I've seemed to have misplaced it.

Long time no see....

Damn.. it's been over a year since I was last here.

Well, Job Free Theatre is back up and running.. as long as I don't get too distracted by life.  A lot has happened. A lot has also not happened, much to my dismay. Still, as long as there are movies, I'll be watching them again, and giving you my personal couch potato opinion about them. I've selected a few to check out, and I'll be taking a look at them starting tomorrow night.

First up on the list: Winter's Bone, a 2011 nominee for Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

Welcome back to Job Free Theatre.

Oh I Wish I Had An Oscar Mayer Weiner...

Oh yeah, last night was Oscar Night.  No, I didn't watch it.  I lost all interest when they told me The White Queen and the Green Goblin were hosting.  So, I'll probably catch an online recast somewhere.

Congrats to The King's Speech winning Best Picture though.  I've heard a lot about it, so I guess I'll see it soon.

I, Robot (No, Not That One)

What do you get when you combine good intention with technology?  Give up.  Well, a shit load of money and millions of addicted consumers, apparently.  Hell, look at recent times.  The I-Phone.  The XBox.  Hell, ask the guy that created the microwave.  Must be nice to roll over, collect a check, and there you have today's workload.  So when I saw this movie the first time, I didn't know it came from a graphic novel.  I did find it to be an interesting concept.

Bruce Willis.  Ving Rhames.  James Cromwell.  These are three actors I enjoy on the screen.  So I knew Surrogates had to be something decent, right?  Wrong.  It was better than decent. It was pretty damn good.  Like, fried bologna sammich good. And..and.. not the kind you get from some chain restaurant.  Nooooo.  The kind you get from Miss Jenkins over on in the blue house on Elizabeth St.  You know, where you knock on the door, tell her you want two of 'em with lettuce, tomato and cheese on white, and she's automatically gives you miracle whip cause regular mayo just don't cut it?  Yeah.. that kinda good.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I think the movie moved along a little too fast.  It was a lot of action, and it's never easy to transition a graphic novel to film.  Take a look at 1997's Steel. Wait.. don't look at it.  I mean, really.. DON'T WATCH IT! You'll hate yourself for it. Anyway...

Surrogates could have been a shit load better, but yeah, it was still fried bologna good.  So.. what do you get when you cross good intention with technology?  A way for the disabled to continue to live their life through the use of user remote controlled androids? Robots? Automotons?  Well, they're metal, wires, oil, grease, and look like you and me.  So.. good idea right? That is until it becomes the latest lifestyle fad and EH-VER-REE DAMN BODY is using them!  The idea of "surrogates" apparently went shot to shit when they became your newest cell phone.  New models, updates, latest features, and now on sale!

Well, Bruce Willis plays Agent Greer who, with his partner, played by Radha Mitchell, are investigating the death of someone who died when their surrogate was destroyed, something that isn't supposed to happen.  Turns out, the guy who died is the, now get this, the SON of the creator of the surrogates, Lionel Canter, played by James Cromwell.  I like James.  He gives you old man emotion like no one else...except the old man from Up, and we all know who that is.

So then you have these reservations, called the Dread Reservations, where anti surrogacy establishments are. Led by The Prophet (I know.. cheesy name, but hey.. its that way in the novel too) who was played by Ving Rhames, these people speak out against the use of the robots.  Here's where things change up.  Some guy named Miles Strickland used this funky little electromagnetic device to kill Canter's son, because it disables the failsafe.  Greer chases him.. well, his surrogate does, and the pro-human coalition destroy his surrogate for the most part. So now he continues to investigate without one.  The Prophet gets the weapon, and has his men kill Strickland.  Seems the weapon was a military project that was scrapped except for this prototype that someone had out there, which was given to Strickland by.. dun-dun-dunnn.... Greer's boss, Andrew Stone, played by that sorry ass Boris... I'll get to that shortly.

You know what. I really don't even feel like giving away the movie if you haven't seen it, but I do want to say its a hell of a lot different from the novel.  There's no Steeplejack, and in the books, Greer's wife dies when her surrogate is disabled and she can't use it anymore.  Suicide. I know.. sad story, but a hell of a lot better book than movie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make the following statement.  Boris Kodjoe sucks!  Oh good lawd, this man is a horrible ass actor.  I've seen him in stage plays, tv shows, movies.. dude.. he sucks. Like sucks big monkey balls.  Like Shemar Moore, except Shemar's acting has gotten better since doing the tv drama, Criminal Minds.  Boris, however.... is a no.  His best acting was in the movie Soul Food, and it was only cause of the sex scenes with Nicole Ari Parker. Y'all need to quit giving this brotha roles that you KNOW he's only gonna fuck up.  <exhale... nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh..nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh>. Okay, I'm calm.  I'm calm.  I just don't like that dude.  Movin' on.

Radha Rani Amber Indigo Anunda Mitchell, and yes that is her name, did decent work as Agent Peters, Greer's partner.  This is the same woman that played Fry in the movie Pitch Black with Vin Diesel.  So yeah, she did pretty good work.  I liked her better in Pitch Black however, because her involvement was much more strong as opposed to her small lines and slight action scenes in Surrogates.

Overall, I give this movie 6 stamps.  Like I said, it wasn't horrible, but it was nowhere near as good as the graphic novel.  Go pick it up.  You'll like it.  Trust me.

"C" is for Crap, or Am I Really This Bored?

So I decided to peek into a genre I try my damndest to stay away from: Romance. Now, don't get me wrong, I had my choice of all manners of romantic comedies, dramas, classics. Some award winning, some critically acclaimed; and what do I do?

I pick one of the sorriest, raggediest movies ever possible.

Now, there are movies that are badly done, and there are bad movies. Then there is Controdora Is For Lovers.

Looking like it was filmed on the highest quality of a digital Polaroid camera, I wasn't sure if I was watching a movie, or an hour long HBHoe, Skinimax, or Ho-time movie that would normally come on, say, between the hours of 11pm and 3am.

What can I say about this? Horrible acting, horrible script, horrible camerawork. It's a movie about an engaged couple that takes a trip to the island of Controdora, an island located at the northern end of the Pearl Island.

Have you ever stared at the screen like, what the hell is this shit? You know, like the first time you saw the Shamwow commercial? Yeah. That was the look on my face.

From what seemed to be about a couple celebrating its engagement, it badly turned into that a couple and their host who had to be the most translucent bisexual male in history. Right after the couple arrived and left for their room, the desk clerk grabbed the host's arm and says, "Don't even think about it. I saw how you were looking at that couple." That should have told me to turn this off, and turn on Children of a Lesser God.

There were two great things about this movie. 1) It was short, and 2) Controdora is seemingly beautiful. Well, if it was really Controdora. For all I know that could have been the coastline of Baja California. Watching the host get all emotional talking about how lonely he was, I damn near cried from agonizing pain due to me forcing myself to watch this sadistic, torturous home video.

What made me gag even more was the soon-to-be husband, looking at the host and telling him, "You're not alone. You're with me." and THEN having the nerve to badly look disappointed when the host longingly, or what was supposed to be longingly, lean over and kiss him.

My body was screaming "NO MORE! NO MORE! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!" but, if I didn't endure the hell that is things like this, how would you know NOT to watch it? Two naked men, one bi, the other pretending not to be, and the pretender has the nerve to say "Don't try anything funny."

I have to say that I think my favorite part was the big ass beetle minding its own business as it walked by the badly huggled actors lying on the beach. I mean.. it was really chillin' as it strolled by. Did I mention I was typing this as it was playing? So yeah... this is active pain in progress.

Shameless Colgate promotional plug as they guy brushes his teeth when they get back to the hotel after he realizes the host "planned" the whole thing cause he likes him. When the host.. whatever the hell his name is, go to the clerk's room, he pulls the whole, "I didn't mean to fall in love" role and gets all badly teary eyed as the chick consoles him. Man, where the hell is my common sense? Oh, and its only been 30 MINUTES!!!

So, the fiance tells his fiancee, and she gets pissy. My favorite lines:

Her: You and our host go hiking together and you ended up having sex?

Him: It's not what you think!

Aaah. The never ending craptastical acting. It's about as refreshing as a chicken plant. So, now I'm thinking.. well, here comes the confrontation. And boy does she confront Gabe...that's his name. She confronted him enough to invite him to dinner.. with her.. and her fiance.. so she could tell them both that she wanted to see what happened between the two of them. So at dinner, she asks for tequila, makes them kiss, which they do badly to appease her. Then she tells them.. Helen is her name, to kiss with the same passion. And they do. And she screams stop, and then she kisses Gabe, and her man storms out. Gabe with the guilt trip.. another storm out. Why do I feel like I'm commentating a cheesy high school play?

He's on the bed. The door opens, in walks Gabe. Taking a seat next to him, when.. in walks Helen.. taking to the other side. Kisses her. Kisses Gabe.. Clothes start to come off, champagne popped and and the playfulness begins. Wait! Wait! He leaves the bed, and busts his ass on the champagne on the floor. Okay.. even the fall was horribly fake! He returns.. whip cream.. pillow fight, and then all go to sleep, covered in whip cream and feather.. which is funny cause its still white and bright on them considering it supposed to be morning.

Alright.. alright.. I'll stop. You've suffered enough. I still have 20 minutes of this, and no.. I won't subject you to any more torture.

Long story short, it sucked ass. Major ass! Like Big Luther and Big Aretha major ass! If you want to know the end... just ask me. One day. After I've scrubbed my brain with battery acid and Pepto Bismal. 1 stamp just for the beetle. I like the beetle.

P.S. Oh yeah...her betrothed's name was Mike. Helen, Mike, and Gabriel. Thank you Netflix for the description, or I wouldn't have even remembered.

Flying Fists of Iron

Tekken - Iron Fist.

For those that know, Tekken is one of the most cherished and beloved video game series by boys and men everywhere... well, and girls who like to kick ass. From classic characters like King, Nina Williams, Jack, Kazuya, and Heihachi, to the new boots like Alisa Bosconovitch, Lars Alexandersson, Miguel Caballero Rojo, and Bob, Tekken has spanned generations of entertainment, fun and crankiness. Originally coming out with its classic four button usage attack combos, it was quickly heralded as the "game to put an end to Street Fighter." So of course, like so many other video games, its popularity spawn movies. 2010 saw another one of the infamous "Iron Fist" saga variations, this one live action, focusing on Jin Kazama's quest for revenge over the death of his mother, Tekken character, Jun Kazama.

Let me say it like this...

Stop. Please. No more. I can't take it. I just.... can't... take.. it. If you're going to make a video game movie, why they hell can't you stay consistent with the games? Let me explain what I mean.

A: What the hell is Heihachi telling Jin about his past? His mother does that in the games! Then again, why the hell did you KILL his mother?

B: Where in the hell was Kazuya's big ass scar on his chest? You know, the one he gets when his threw him off a cliff and he had to climb all the way back up? Did any of you people play the actual damn game or just go by a questionnaire you sent out to some kids.

C: If I ever find out one of you called Cary Tagawa for this movie, and that he didn't actually say he wanted to be a part of it, I plan on finding you and beating your ass! Why would you disrespect the man by putting him in this.. this... bullshit!

D: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only damn reason all these guys had no shirts is because you were trying to appeal to the 30 women that watched this in hopes of giving them some eye candy right? I mean.. did EVERY man have to fight with no shirt? Is that like some kind of stupid movie makers code? Stop it. Just.. stop it.

E: Where.. the hell did this tournament take place? Where was it supposed to take place? End of discussion.

To me, this was as bad as trying to make Star Wars without Lucas. Yes.. exactly. It makes you say, "Who in their right mind would even try that?!" Well, that's what I asked about this. So many switches in the storyline from movie to game, that I thought I was watching something made as a college project. You know what's better than this? Grayson! Yeah, the trailer about Robin searching for Batman's killer that will never be made into a movie. THAT GRAYSON!

I give this movie 4 food stamps out of 10. The only reason you're not getting 3 is because you actually made me smile by showing Kazuya at the end.. after the credits.. walking off injured.

Saving grace, people. Saving grace.