I pick one of the sorriest, raggediest movies ever possible.
Now, there are movies that are badly done, and there are bad movies. Then there is Controdora Is For Lovers.
Looking like it was filmed on the highest quality of a digital Polaroid camera, I wasn't sure if I was watching a movie, or an hour long HBHoe, Skinimax, or Ho-time movie that would normally come on, say, between the hours of 11pm and 3am.
What can I say about this? Horrible acting, horrible script, horrible camerawork. It's a movie about an engaged couple that takes a trip to the island of Controdora, an island located at the northern end of the Pearl Island.
Have you ever stared at the screen like, what the hell is this shit? You know, like the first time you saw the Shamwow commercial? Yeah. That was the look on my face.
From what seemed to be about a couple celebrating its engagement, it badly turned into that a couple and their host who had to be the most translucent bisexual male in history. Right after the couple arrived and left for their room, the desk clerk grabbed the host's arm and says, "Don't even think about it. I saw how you were looking at that couple." That should have told me to turn this off, and turn on Children of a Lesser God.
There were two great things about this movie. 1) It was short, and 2) Controdora is seemingly beautiful. Well, if it was really Controdora. For all I know that could have been the coastline of Baja California. Watching the host get all emotional talking about how lonely he was, I damn near cried from agonizing pain due to me forcing myself to watch this sadistic, torturous home video.
What made me gag even more was the soon-to-be husband, looking at the host and telling him, "You're not alone. You're with me." and THEN having the nerve to badly look disappointed when the host longingly, or what was supposed to be longingly, lean over and kiss him.
My body was screaming "NO MORE! NO MORE! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!" but, if I didn't endure the hell that is things like this, how would you know NOT to watch it? Two naked men, one bi, the other pretending not to be, and the pretender has the nerve to say "Don't try anything funny."
I have to say that I think my favorite part was the big ass beetle minding its own business as it walked by the badly huggled actors lying on the beach. I mean.. it was really chillin' as it strolled by. Did I mention I was typing this as it was playing? So yeah... this is active pain in progress.
Shameless Colgate promotional plug as they guy brushes his teeth when they get back to the hotel after he realizes the host "planned" the whole thing cause he likes him. When the host.. whatever the hell his name is, go to the clerk's room, he pulls the whole, "I didn't mean to fall in love" role and gets all badly teary eyed as the chick consoles him. Man, where the hell is my common sense? Oh, and its only been 30 MINUTES!!!
So, the fiance tells his fiancee, and she gets pissy. My favorite lines:
Her: You and our host go hiking together and you ended up having sex?Him: It's not what you think!
Aaah. The never ending craptastical acting. It's about as refreshing as a chicken plant. So, now I'm thinking.. well, here comes the confrontation. And boy does she confront Gabe...that's his name. She confronted him enough to invite him to dinner.. with her.. and her fiance.. so she could tell them both that she wanted to see what happened between the two of them. So at dinner, she asks for tequila, makes them kiss, which they do badly to appease her. Then she tells them.. Helen is her name, to kiss with the same passion. And they do. And she screams stop, and then she kisses Gabe, and her man storms out. Gabe with the guilt trip.. another storm out. Why do I feel like I'm commentating a cheesy high school play?
He's on the bed. The door opens, in walks Gabe. Taking a seat next to him, when.. in walks Helen.. taking to the other side. Kisses her. Kisses Gabe.. Clothes start to come off, champagne popped and and the playfulness begins. Wait! Wait! He leaves the bed, and busts his ass on the champagne on the floor. Okay.. even the fall was horribly fake! He returns.. whip cream.. pillow fight, and then all go to sleep, covered in whip cream and feather.. which is funny cause its still white and bright on them considering it supposed to be morning.
Alright.. alright.. I'll stop. You've suffered enough. I still have 20 minutes of this, and no.. I won't subject you to any more torture.
Long story short, it sucked ass. Major ass! Like Big Luther and Big Aretha major ass! If you want to know the end... just ask me. One day. After I've scrubbed my brain with battery acid and Pepto Bismal. 1 stamp just for the beetle. I like the beetle.
P.S. Oh yeah...her betrothed's name was Mike. Helen, Mike, and Gabriel. Thank you Netflix for the description, or I wouldn't have even remembered.
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