Oh yeah, last night was Oscar Night. No, I didn't watch it. I lost all interest when they told me The White Queen and the Green Goblin were hosting. So, I'll probably catch an online recast somewhere.
Congrats to The King's Speech winning Best Picture though. I've heard a lot about it, so I guess I'll see it soon.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I, Robot (No, Not That One)
What do you get when you combine good intention with technology? Give up. Well, a shit load of money and millions of addicted consumers, apparently. Hell, look at recent times. The I-Phone. The XBox. Hell, ask the guy that created the microwave. Must be nice to roll over, collect a check, and there you have today's workload. So when I saw this movie the first time, I didn't know it came from a graphic novel. I did find it to be an interesting concept.
Bruce Willis. Ving Rhames. James Cromwell. These are three actors I enjoy on the screen. So I knew Surrogates had to be something decent, right? Wrong. It was better than decent. It was pretty damn good. Like, fried bologna sammich good. And..and.. not the kind you get from some chain restaurant. Nooooo. The kind you get from Miss Jenkins over on in the blue house on Elizabeth St. You know, where you knock on the door, tell her you want two of 'em with lettuce, tomato and cheese on white, and she's automatically gives you miracle whip cause regular mayo just don't cut it? Yeah.. that kinda good.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think the movie moved along a little too fast. It was a lot of action, and it's never easy to transition a graphic novel to film. Take a look at 1997's Steel. Wait.. don't look at it. I mean, really.. DON'T WATCH IT! You'll hate yourself for it. Anyway...
Surrogates could have been a shit load better, but yeah, it was still fried bologna good. So.. what do you get when you cross good intention with technology? A way for the disabled to continue to live their life through the use of user remote controlled androids? Robots? Automotons? Well, they're metal, wires, oil, grease, and look like you and me. So.. good idea right? That is until it becomes the latest lifestyle fad and EH-VER-REE DAMN BODY is using them! The idea of "surrogates" apparently went shot to shit when they became your newest cell phone. New models, updates, latest features, and now on sale!
Well, Bruce Willis plays Agent Greer who, with his partner, played by Radha Mitchell, are investigating the death of someone who died when their surrogate was destroyed, something that isn't supposed to happen. Turns out, the guy who died is the, now get this, the SON of the creator of the surrogates, Lionel Canter, played by James Cromwell. I like James. He gives you old man emotion like no one else...except the old man from Up, and we all know who that is.
So then you have these reservations, called the Dread Reservations, where anti surrogacy establishments are. Led by The Prophet (I know.. cheesy name, but hey.. its that way in the novel too) who was played by Ving Rhames, these people speak out against the use of the robots. Here's where things change up. Some guy named Miles Strickland used this funky little electromagnetic device to kill Canter's son, because it disables the failsafe. Greer chases him.. well, his surrogate does, and the pro-human coalition destroy his surrogate for the most part. So now he continues to investigate without one. The Prophet gets the weapon, and has his men kill Strickland. Seems the weapon was a military project that was scrapped except for this prototype that someone had out there, which was given to Strickland by.. dun-dun-dunnn.... Greer's boss, Andrew Stone, played by that sorry ass Boris... I'll get to that shortly.
You know what. I really don't even feel like giving away the movie if you haven't seen it, but I do want to say its a hell of a lot different from the novel. There's no Steeplejack, and in the books, Greer's wife dies when her surrogate is disabled and she can't use it anymore. Suicide. I know.. sad story, but a hell of a lot better book than movie.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make the following statement. Boris Kodjoe sucks! Oh good lawd, this man is a horrible ass actor. I've seen him in stage plays, tv shows, movies.. dude.. he sucks. Like sucks big monkey balls. Like Shemar Moore, except Shemar's acting has gotten better since doing the tv drama, Criminal Minds. Boris, however.... is a no. His best acting was in the movie Soul Food, and it was only cause of the sex scenes with Nicole Ari Parker. Y'all need to quit giving this brotha roles that you KNOW he's only gonna fuck up. <exhale... nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh..nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh>. Okay, I'm calm. I'm calm. I just don't like that dude. Movin' on.
Radha Rani Amber Indigo Anunda Mitchell, and yes that is her name, did decent work as Agent Peters, Greer's partner. This is the same woman that played Fry in the movie Pitch Black with Vin Diesel. So yeah, she did pretty good work. I liked her better in Pitch Black however, because her involvement was much more strong as opposed to her small lines and slight action scenes in Surrogates.
Overall, I give this movie 6 stamps. Like I said, it wasn't horrible, but it was nowhere near as good as the graphic novel. Go pick it up. You'll like it. Trust me.
Bruce Willis. Ving Rhames. James Cromwell. These are three actors I enjoy on the screen. So I knew Surrogates had to be something decent, right? Wrong. It was better than decent. It was pretty damn good. Like, fried bologna sammich good. And..and.. not the kind you get from some chain restaurant. Nooooo. The kind you get from Miss Jenkins over on in the blue house on Elizabeth St. You know, where you knock on the door, tell her you want two of 'em with lettuce, tomato and cheese on white, and she's automatically gives you miracle whip cause regular mayo just don't cut it? Yeah.. that kinda good.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think the movie moved along a little too fast. It was a lot of action, and it's never easy to transition a graphic novel to film. Take a look at 1997's Steel. Wait.. don't look at it. I mean, really.. DON'T WATCH IT! You'll hate yourself for it. Anyway...
Surrogates could have been a shit load better, but yeah, it was still fried bologna good. So.. what do you get when you cross good intention with technology? A way for the disabled to continue to live their life through the use of user remote controlled androids? Robots? Automotons? Well, they're metal, wires, oil, grease, and look like you and me. So.. good idea right? That is until it becomes the latest lifestyle fad and EH-VER-REE DAMN BODY is using them! The idea of "surrogates" apparently went shot to shit when they became your newest cell phone. New models, updates, latest features, and now on sale!
Well, Bruce Willis plays Agent Greer who, with his partner, played by Radha Mitchell, are investigating the death of someone who died when their surrogate was destroyed, something that isn't supposed to happen. Turns out, the guy who died is the, now get this, the SON of the creator of the surrogates, Lionel Canter, played by James Cromwell. I like James. He gives you old man emotion like no one else...except the old man from Up, and we all know who that is.
So then you have these reservations, called the Dread Reservations, where anti surrogacy establishments are. Led by The Prophet (I know.. cheesy name, but hey.. its that way in the novel too) who was played by Ving Rhames, these people speak out against the use of the robots. Here's where things change up. Some guy named Miles Strickland used this funky little electromagnetic device to kill Canter's son, because it disables the failsafe. Greer chases him.. well, his surrogate does, and the pro-human coalition destroy his surrogate for the most part. So now he continues to investigate without one. The Prophet gets the weapon, and has his men kill Strickland. Seems the weapon was a military project that was scrapped except for this prototype that someone had out there, which was given to Strickland by.. dun-dun-dunnn.... Greer's boss, Andrew Stone, played by that sorry ass Boris... I'll get to that shortly.
You know what. I really don't even feel like giving away the movie if you haven't seen it, but I do want to say its a hell of a lot different from the novel. There's no Steeplejack, and in the books, Greer's wife dies when her surrogate is disabled and she can't use it anymore. Suicide. I know.. sad story, but a hell of a lot better book than movie.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make the following statement. Boris Kodjoe sucks! Oh good lawd, this man is a horrible ass actor. I've seen him in stage plays, tv shows, movies.. dude.. he sucks. Like sucks big monkey balls. Like Shemar Moore, except Shemar's acting has gotten better since doing the tv drama, Criminal Minds. Boris, however.... is a no. His best acting was in the movie Soul Food, and it was only cause of the sex scenes with Nicole Ari Parker. Y'all need to quit giving this brotha roles that you KNOW he's only gonna fuck up. <exhale... nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh..nyom myo oh rang gae kyooooh>. Okay, I'm calm. I'm calm. I just don't like that dude. Movin' on.
Radha Rani Amber Indigo Anunda Mitchell, and yes that is her name, did decent work as Agent Peters, Greer's partner. This is the same woman that played Fry in the movie Pitch Black with Vin Diesel. So yeah, she did pretty good work. I liked her better in Pitch Black however, because her involvement was much more strong as opposed to her small lines and slight action scenes in Surrogates.
Overall, I give this movie 6 stamps. Like I said, it wasn't horrible, but it was nowhere near as good as the graphic novel. Go pick it up. You'll like it. Trust me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
"C" is for Crap, or Am I Really This Bored?
So I decided to peek into a genre I try my damndest to stay away from: Romance. Now, don't get me wrong, I had my choice of all manners of romantic comedies, dramas, classics. Some award winning, some critically acclaimed; and what do I do?
Now, there are movies that are badly done, and there are bad movies. Then there is Controdora Is For Lovers.
I pick one of the sorriest, raggediest movies ever possible.
Now, there are movies that are badly done, and there are bad movies. Then there is Controdora Is For Lovers.
Looking like it was filmed on the highest quality of a digital Polaroid camera, I wasn't sure if I was watching a movie, or an hour long HBHoe, Skinimax, or Ho-time movie that would normally come on, say, between the hours of 11pm and 3am.
What can I say about this? Horrible acting, horrible script, horrible camerawork. It's a movie about an engaged couple that takes a trip to the island of Controdora, an island located at the northern end of the Pearl Island.
Have you ever stared at the screen like, what the hell is this shit? You know, like the first time you saw the Shamwow commercial? Yeah. That was the look on my face.
From what seemed to be about a couple celebrating its engagement, it badly turned into that a couple and their host who had to be the most translucent bisexual male in history. Right after the couple arrived and left for their room, the desk clerk grabbed the host's arm and says, "Don't even think about it. I saw how you were looking at that couple." That should have told me to turn this off, and turn on Children of a Lesser God.
There were two great things about this movie. 1) It was short, and 2) Controdora is seemingly beautiful. Well, if it was really Controdora. For all I know that could have been the coastline of Baja California. Watching the host get all emotional talking about how lonely he was, I damn near cried from agonizing pain due to me forcing myself to watch this sadistic, torturous home video.
What made me gag even more was the soon-to-be husband, looking at the host and telling him, "You're not alone. You're with me." and THEN having the nerve to badly look disappointed when the host longingly, or what was supposed to be longingly, lean over and kiss him.
My body was screaming "NO MORE! NO MORE! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!" but, if I didn't endure the hell that is things like this, how would you know NOT to watch it? Two naked men, one bi, the other pretending not to be, and the pretender has the nerve to say "Don't try anything funny."
I have to say that I think my favorite part was the big ass beetle minding its own business as it walked by the badly huggled actors lying on the beach. I mean.. it was really chillin' as it strolled by. Did I mention I was typing this as it was playing? So yeah... this is active pain in progress.
Shameless Colgate promotional plug as they guy brushes his teeth when they get back to the hotel after he realizes the host "planned" the whole thing cause he likes him. When the host.. whatever the hell his name is, go to the clerk's room, he pulls the whole, "I didn't mean to fall in love" role and gets all badly teary eyed as the chick consoles him. Man, where the hell is my common sense? Oh, and its only been 30 MINUTES!!!
So, the fiance tells his fiancee, and she gets pissy. My favorite lines:
Her: You and our host go hiking together and you ended up having sex?Him: It's not what you think!
Aaah. The never ending craptastical acting. It's about as refreshing as a chicken plant. So, now I'm thinking.. well, here comes the confrontation. And boy does she confront Gabe...that's his name. She confronted him enough to invite him to dinner.. with her.. and her fiance.. so she could tell them both that she wanted to see what happened between the two of them. So at dinner, she asks for tequila, makes them kiss, which they do badly to appease her. Then she tells them.. Helen is her name, to kiss with the same passion. And they do. And she screams stop, and then she kisses Gabe, and her man storms out. Gabe with the guilt trip.. another storm out. Why do I feel like I'm commentating a cheesy high school play?
He's on the bed. The door opens, in walks Gabe. Taking a seat next to him, when.. in walks Helen.. taking to the other side. Kisses her. Kisses Gabe.. Clothes start to come off, champagne popped and and the playfulness begins. Wait! Wait! He leaves the bed, and busts his ass on the champagne on the floor. Okay.. even the fall was horribly fake! He returns.. whip cream.. pillow fight, and then all go to sleep, covered in whip cream and feather.. which is funny cause its still white and bright on them considering it supposed to be morning.
Alright.. alright.. I'll stop. You've suffered enough. I still have 20 minutes of this, and no.. I won't subject you to any more torture.
Long story short, it sucked ass. Major ass! Like Big Luther and Big Aretha major ass! If you want to know the end... just ask me. One day. After I've scrubbed my brain with battery acid and Pepto Bismal. 1 stamp just for the beetle. I like the beetle.
P.S. Oh yeah...her betrothed's name was Mike. Helen, Mike, and Gabriel. Thank you Netflix for the description, or I wouldn't have even remembered.
Flying Fists of Iron
For those that know, Tekken is one of the most cherished and beloved video game series by boys and men everywhere... well, and girls who like to kick ass. From classic characters like King, Nina Williams, Jack, Kazuya, and Heihachi, to the new boots like Alisa Bosconovitch, Lars Alexandersson, Miguel Caballero Rojo, and Bob, Tekken has spanned generations of entertainment, fun and crankiness. Originally coming out with its classic four button usage attack combos, it was quickly heralded as the "game to put an end to Street Fighter." So of course, like so many other video games, its popularity spawn movies. 2010 saw another one of the infamous "Iron Fist" saga variations, this one live action, focusing on Jin Kazama's quest for revenge over the death of his mother, Tekken character, Jun Kazama.
Let me say it like this...
Stop. Please. No more. I can't take it. I just.... can't... take.. it. If you're going to make a video game movie, why they hell can't you stay consistent with the games? Let me explain what I mean.
A: What the hell is Heihachi telling Jin about his past? His mother does that in the games! Then again, why the hell did you KILL his mother?
B: Where in the hell was Kazuya's big ass scar on his chest? You know, the one he gets when his threw him off a cliff and he had to climb all the way back up? Did any of you people play the actual damn game or just go by a questionnaire you sent out to some kids.
C: If I ever find out one of you called Cary Tagawa for this movie, and that he didn't actually say he wanted to be a part of it, I plan on finding you and beating your ass! Why would you disrespect the man by putting him in this.. this... bullshit!
D: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only damn reason all these guys had no shirts is because you were trying to appeal to the 30 women that watched this in hopes of giving them some eye candy right? I mean.. did EVERY man have to fight with no shirt? Is that like some kind of stupid movie makers code? Stop it. Just.. stop it.
E: Where.. the hell did this tournament take place? Where was it supposed to take place? End of discussion.
To me, this was as bad as trying to make Star Wars without Lucas. Yes.. exactly. It makes you say, "Who in their right mind would even try that?!" Well, that's what I asked about this. So many switches in the storyline from movie to game, that I thought I was watching something made as a college project. You know what's better than this? Grayson! Yeah, the trailer about Robin searching for Batman's killer that will never be made into a movie. THAT GRAYSON!
I give this movie 4 food stamps out of 10. The only reason you're not getting 3 is because you actually made me smile by showing Kazuya at the end.. after the credits.. walking off injured.
Saving grace, people. Saving grace.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"Alice" On The B Side
While sitting here, after setting up Cafe World for the day, and realizing the dishwasher had finally stopped being so damn loud, I turned on the Wii, started the Netflix channel, and began browsing.
I really did enjoy this latest adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Tim Burton has such an eccentric imagination, and casting for the movie was rather sound. But when I saw, Alice, Jan Svankmajer's sordid take on the epic Lewis Carroll novel, I figured, "What the hell? Why not?" Well, it's 9:15 in the morning, and I was sooooooo not ready for this.
I ran to IMDB to get a listing of other presentations Svankmajer had made, so I could prepare myself for whatever other bizarre pieces the man had created. This one, however, I have to say was just completely interesting.
Kristýna Kohoutová plays our infamous Alice, in a world that looks like 1980s Robot Chicken meets The Nightmare before Christmas after being dipped in bleach, ammonia, and Wild Turkey. Filled with stop motion animation, the only living thing in here is Alice, who, honestly, seemed more out of place than the character in the story. As I was setting up this blog, I looked at the screen and saw lips and teeth. The eyebrow raising "huh?" of course appeared, but then I realized that only certain words came from the girl's mouth as if she was reading the book. Okay, I can deal with this. The beginning of the film starts with opening credits mixed with the lips of Alice and her voice as well, saying "Now you will see a film... made for children... perhaps... ' But, I nearly forgot... you must... close your eyes... otherwise... you won't see anything."
Like I said, I wasn't ready. From the sawdust supper the rabbit ate to the skeletal animals going after Alice after the shrinking potion not only diminished her size, but turned her into a doll as well, I was engaged, horrified, confused, intrigued, and sleepy. This was all in the first 45 minutes. Oh yeah, no music. That doesn't do me well, but I said I'd make it through it.
There were times when this movie seemed like the horror dream of someone who had too many Skittles, a gallon of Funnel Cake batter and three acid strips too many before reading the book. Our friend, the wise and smug Caterpillar, was created with a sock, a set of dentures, and glass eye beads, and his mushroom seemed to be a wooden thumbtack. Oh, did I mention that she got to this "wonderland" by crawling into her dresser? Yeah, tripped me out. Svankmajer's vision is rather strange, like.. Kanye West's twisted fantasy strange. Throughout the whole movie, all I could ask myself was, "Did we read the same book?" Yet, scene after scene, I realized we had.
I don't know what rating system I'll use for the blog, but whatever it is, it'll go up to ten and this movie gets 7 for its direction, lighting, creepiness and sound effects alone. Wait.. I know what I'll do.
This movie, in my opinion, gets 7 food stamps out of 10. If you get a chance, check it out: Jan Svankmajer's Alice, (1988).
Job Free and Wide Asleep
Given the fact that I am out of town, and where I'm staying has a Nintendo Wii with Netflix, I figure I might as well make use of my time and see what they have to offer. Of course, I'm ecstatically thrilled that I've been able to keep up with Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, a show I had been looking forward to since Spartacus: Blood and Sand. On top of that, my children are enjoying the rampant replays of Barney, The Backyardigans, and Super Why!
So, while sitting here, I decided last night to flip through and look at what few movies might peek my interest when it hit me: Hey.. I might as well try my hand at being a movie critic. So, without further ado...
Welcome to Job Free Theatre!
Now, I'll be honest, I do get bored rather swiftly with blogging; however, its not like I don't have the time on my hands, so maybe I'll be able to stick with this one. I do enjoy movies, seeing what they're about, and how badly or how well they can be done, and considering the fact that I'm going to try this without drinking, I might actually make some sense. So.. welcome to the inaugural post.
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